I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Randomize
