no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
