you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
