One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
