If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
