fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
