I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
