I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
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