The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
We are two peas in an std pod
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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