end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
