I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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