The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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