I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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