We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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