did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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