I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
