when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
