I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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