She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
