My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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