I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
