problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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