and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
