my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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