i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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