My cat gives me a boner
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
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