Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
