I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
