im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Just high enough for therapy.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
