they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
