Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
