advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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