I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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