as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
