If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
