I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
