apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
