Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
