I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
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