When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
