I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
