I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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