The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
