I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
