I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
