So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
