if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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