What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
