the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
