You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
