I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
