2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
