We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
